Friday, July 31, 2009

Blessings Friday: Toilet Paper

Over the years I’ve formed a special mantra to remind me I’m responsible for my own happiness: When life gives you poop, it’s your responsibility to buy the toilet paper. I don’t actually use the word poop, though—I use a different expression, but it’s my way of injecting humor into challenges faced. A story making email rounds came to me via my friend Peggy and illustrates exactly what I mean.

Source: Wikimedia

You know the feeling....

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants. The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one, but there isn't—so you carefully but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume 'The Stance'.

Souce: Clean Seat Holland

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, “Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!” Your thighs shake more.

Source: Truman College

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday, the one still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. “Occupied!” you scream as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the toilet seat.

Source: Laid Back Think Tank

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper—not that there was any even if you had taken time to try. You know your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because frankly, dear, “You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.”

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in, too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

Source: eHow

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, “Here, you just might need this.”

As you exit, you spot your hubby who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, “What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?”

Source: Signs Online

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!). It finally explains to men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs—it’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door.


Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

LOL!!! Thanks for the good laugh...the illustrations to this tale were perfect!

It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode when Elaine is asked by the stall mate next to her if she could "spare a square" and she replies that she can't, as there isn't enough t paper left in her stall to spare a share.

I never was able to master "the stance" so I always carefully lay t. paper on the seat before I sit. Of course it always seems sticks to me when I am finished, so I don't accomplish

Thank goodness for Purell hand sanitizer, because usually there isn't any soap in the dispenser in a public restroom either!

Men have it so

nicolette said...

Thanks June... for this hilarious post and a great start to the weekend. I almost wet my pants!

We can probably all relate to those toilet visits!

Mrs.Kwitty said...

JunieMoon!---Ahhhh hahahaha!
That's just too dang funny!

I laughed so hard that I have to go potty now...and I'm at work so I have to use the Da Da DAAAAH....Public Restroom! *terrified scream* Hope my legs are strong enough today to assume the "stance".

Smiles and Silly Grins, Karen

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. God. I just laughed my ass off. I just laughed until tears streamed down my face.

So true, so true! I go through this almost every time I break down and go to a public restroom. And even when the process goes OK, I'm still afraid to touch the sink, the paper towel dispenser, or the door. So nervous-making!

rohanknitter said...

I think we can all identify with that, lol!! I think the worst bathroom story I've heard was on a travel podcast by an flight attendant. A woman had taken off a thin silk dress in the plane bathroom (to wash a stain or something, I think) anyway, long story short- her dress got sucked down into the airplane toilet!!! I can't even imagine!

Julie Bouésso said...

Junie - I simply HAD to ffw this one on, it's SO good! Thanks for the laugh! Cheers, Julie

FinnyKnits said...

AMEN sister!

And I didn't know the "hang the purse around your neck" thing - I've just put it on my, ahem, non-dominant shoulder so that I have, ahem, full use of my other arm for certain business and have just hoped for the best.

In these desperate circumstances though, I'm hanging it around my neck. And perhaps I'll put some portable tissues in there while I'm thinking about it...


African Kelli said...

:) we all know this routine!

Alison Gibbs said...

Oh that was a fun read.
I am sure we were all reading it laughing and nodding our heads - yep we've all been there!!LOL

Michele's Quilting Journey said...

So, is it just an 'accident' that Google gave you an ad for 'free toilet paper coupons'...or did you put in a special request to customer service ;)

kim said...

I hae used sanitary napkins before. What a pricelss post!!!

Believei t or not sometimes the toilets at work are wet. *sigh* And we have an abundance of seat covers AND tp!?!?

karen said...

Your post today was over the top hilarious - too true too!!! Funny how we hear our mother's voice inside our head.

Storybook Woods said...

LOL, oh my gosh so funny and soo true. Thank you, I needed the laugh today xoxoxo Clarice

Diane Schuller said...

Oh JUne, this is hilarious! So well shared. No kidding, this is something that should be pitched to a ladies magazine. Oh, it hits right at the heart of the matter. YOu had my attention all the way through!!

Kristie said...

Been there, done that. :oD As an aside, I find that putting your purse over the door solves 2 problems--the fills in the gap and "locks" the door in the absence of a functional lock, and it lets people on the outside know the stall is ocupada.

Kristie said...

that should've said "the strap fills in the gap." I really think comments should be editable!

Thimbleanna said...

Hahaha -- thanks for a good laugh Junie Moon!

grendelskin said...

That was the best potty humor I've read in a long time! Mom loved it too! In my house the acronym was PPOSBS (Place Paper On Seat Before Squatting). After showing your post to my folks last night we discovered that even after all those years of living in a house with five women, my Dad (he's now 75) was unaware of what it meant!

kim said...

OMG, I thought of this post the other in the grocery. Bathroom. Lay toilet paper on seat. Go to sit. Said toilet paper falls off.